Writing Sample #10 Self-Healer

I feel pain. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I feel guilt and to me that equals pain. I want to get rid of the pain, but the method I would normally choose would be to cut off the source of the pain so that I can begin to heal and feel better. It would be pretty dumb to cut off a finger just because it hurts until the reason behind the pain was discovered. In my mind I don't care what the reason is, I just want the pain to be gone.

I know that I need to see a doctor about the pain so I go to the Great Physician, because He is the only one who can help me see the reason for my pain and tell me how to treat it so it will go away. He has already given me the Physician's Desk Reference and the basic step by step guidelines that I need to avoid the pain, but I am not always so bright. I ignore it, so I am back in His office crying over the pain I feel. He tries to explain to me the root of my problems lie with me. He scolds me because I haven't taken better care of myself, especially since I been through this before.

My condition is chronic it seems, but I don't know how to pin point the true source of the problem. Is it love, lust, fear, excitement? I know that I have to power to change the situation, but I don't always want to. I also know that if I don't change the situation things will get worse and I will die, not just from the pain but from the scars that form on my heart so they suffocate me. I am angry with myself because I allow all of this to occur. I hate what I am doing to myself, yet I feel powerless to change. I am afraid that if I take control of the situation, like I know I should, I will lose out or mess things up and end up alone like I was before. I know that if I put my foot down and be courageous enough to accept the consequences everything will eventually be fine, but I am afraid to take that risk. I know I will feel better and the pain will be gone if I do it. The problem is that I don't know what method to use.

Cutting off the pain is not the answer because it will cause further problems (been there, done that), that is clear. Finding the right treatment will be a challenge, but it is necessary in order to keep myself in tact and be happy and productive again. I don't like this pain. My soul aches and no matter how much I try to rationalize it away, it still lingers. It will not be healed until I do what I must do to save myself and those around me.

Changing myself and how I respond to symptoms is the answer. I have to stop indulging in my own fantasies and walk the path the Great Physician has paved for me. When I am tempted to go back to my old habits I have to stop and think and turn around once more and head in the right direction. The things (people) I fear losing will have to fall in line or move out of the way. I cannot allow my love for anything other than God to change my course. I want only good things to accompany me on my journey toward good health. I cannot accept excuses and rationalizing, even lies one tells to the soul.

People are not the source of pain, only a symptom of something deep within the soul of the person in pain. It is a mental condition that requires truth. Truth on a level so deep that it hurts. Truth so profound that it will change the way I view myself and those around me.